Here are first impressions based on your hairstyles as men.  As writers, it is our job to observe people. Writers scrutinize, study idiosyncrasies, and create characters. Men are no exception. So, here is a compilation of characters based on hair. Yes, we’re judging, and going in deep.

Guys, I pay close attention to you, on the surface and beneath it. Here is what I see and how I type-cast based on coiffures. Some of these are based on personal experience.

Men, I am interested to know your thoughts. Are any of these true? Do you think they are stereotypes? What are the common misconceptions about you based on your profession, your appearance and your hair? Or are any of these assumptions and observations correct?

Strictly Business

First Impression: Husband. Your hair is cut once per week. You give it a brush in the morning and keep moving. Back to work. You have no interest in spending hours grooming. You are not concerned with attracting women. You have a solid one at home. There are more important things to do than stare at yourself in the mirror any longer than when shaving. You are responsible. Your life is carefully planned by decade into your eighties. You have a trust fund set aside for your children, and life insurance policy for your wife just in case. You most likely have a corporate job as a manager, or senior manager. You are middle to upper class. Stability is non-negotiable. You are organized, clean, focused, and practical. You attend church on Sundays. Dignity and respectability matters. When seen alone in public, you may be found walking your girlfriend’s insanely cute Pomeranian or her sweet Labrador, at the gym zoned out and into your routine, or picking up one or two random things at the supermarket. Women smile and flirt with you, (or your fluffy dog) but you do not notice. You. Are. Focused. Even if you do notice, you avoid the attention. It is a distraction, a risk. You would not dare being caught in public flirting with another woman. You would not dare tarnish your reputation for stability and trustworthiness that matters so much to you. You have a close relationship with your sister and mother. You understand women. Loyalty is everything. You are as straightlaced and clean as your hair. You walk a straight line.

F-Boy Energy

First Impression: Player. The heavy hair gel is a dead giveaway. You invest a lot of time into your dapper appearance. You may be naturally handsome, with great facial bone structure, but the grooming sets the look over the edge. You look good. You know it. Everyone knows it. You smell expensive, but alcohol and tobacco seep from your pores. You are offered free things and often shallow intimacy that you did not work for due to your pretty privilege. Things come so easy that you are bored with life. You force yourself into challenging situations because you need excitement just to feel alive. You thrive on adrenaline. You may work in high-stakes finance, trading, maybe sales, or you could be an agent. You use your appearance to persuade others, and it pays well. When alone, you may be found in a cigar bar, the latest lounge, or anywhere sexy that feeds your vice. You travel a lot. You have no time for commitment. You do not desire it either. You just cannot seem to find “quality” women. Everyone is a bozo. You attract gold diggers and unstable but beautiful women. Why? You attract what you are. You move so much because you are running from the truth, your problems, and from yourself. You will find your way, in time and on your terms. Usually, you are the guy who everyone is shocked when settling down and becoming the husband. It was not the girl who made you change. Either time and age stole your good looks, or you found your peace and she was there when it happened.

The Gentleman

First Impression: Attorney or accountant. Is this or is this not the classic male attorney hairdo? Perfectly groomed hair is the clear giveaway. You look great and are well accomplished. You attract women, so could be an F-Boy, but that is beneath your dignity. You despise or pity women who do not set boundaries or lack the foresight to avoid being manipulated. Dim witted people — to include children make you secretly cringe. You are embarrassed to admit this and feel guilty for feeling this way. Your reputation is for making decisions and solving problems. How badly would choosing to be in a relationship with a partner with poor critical thinking reflect upon you? You can only intellectually tolerate the female version of yourself. You desire a scholar in your life. The wittier she is, the better. You are seen with niche groups in elite locations, or charity events. You feel a little isolated and may become frustrated because the general population does not understand your language (Latin-infused English). You prefer to be around people who understand you. You are selective about who you spend time with and your partners because you choose wisely. Making mistakes in choosing partners or company is costly.

Hot Buns!

First Impression: Musician/Artist. Just look at your buns. Not those buns. Your hair buns. That was a hair bun pun. Now, was that not fun? You may work construction by day and play music at night or the weekends. You are a real hands-on guy. Perhaps you own a restaurant with a band and live music on Saturdays starring none other than…you. You are into entertainment, hospitality. You own a guitar and might have a really great singing voice. You are too creative for corporate 9 to 5. You are a nocturnal creature. While the look is great, there is a dark side to every bun. A dark side to the bun that is not that fun. The curls are very time consuming, and costly. The messy bun is unexpectedly high maintenance. We engage in bitter battles over beauty products. If in a relationship, we need a membership to Costco because we need double the shampoo and double the sinks. A double sink is a must because how dare I move your brush! That is your brush, not mine. I cannot touch your gel. But, oh, you can use my products! You use my shampoo and expensive conditioner and think I do not notice. I do. Oribe costs $50 per bottle! Use the Head and Shoulders instead! This one is personal. Yes, I just went off the rails. Just thought I would use this as an opportunity to vent. Still love the bun though. The bun. Just the bun.

Buzz and Afternoon Shadow

First Impression: Obsessed with Success. You work really, really hard. You are either a cop or fire-fighter (first responder), a detective, a doctor/surgeon or an entrepreneur. You could also be a contractor: electrician or plumber. You work so many hours that you regularly let the self-care go. But boy, do you clean up well! You are pretty well rounded but addicted to work. You cannot help it. It is in your core. You secretly use your profession to help fight some childhood trauma you experienced (being in a fire, flood, childhood neglect, poverty, abuse, a parent with terminal illness). You do not want others to ever live through what you did. So, you fight against your secret cause using your life’s work to help others. And the work never ends. You detest assholes and jerks (and the female version of the same). You like to help people and are annoyed by those who try to take advantage of you or others. When seen out, you are on your way to work, oblivious to what is going on around you. We wish you would stop and smell the roses. You are the real-life Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker. You just want a woman to love you and be able to put up with it. The woman in your life knows how special you are. She knows that when you go missing, you are somewhere off fighting crime or saving the world. She knew what she might be signing up for when she first met you. But experiencing it in real time is sometimes difficult for her. It takes a lot of patience to be her. She does what it takes. She is as wonderful and loyal a person as you.

Closely Shaven, Neat

First Impression: Bad Ass. You currently work in law enforcement/security or are retired from it. This guy is kick ass. Literally. You know how to and will fight to protect yourself and others. You are intimidating to look at but are the exact opposite inside. You have the gentlest heart. You live to protect and serve. You would climb a tree to save a kitten. You would pull over to drag someone out of a burning car. You would jump into a river or ocean to save a drowning child. You are hyper-vigilant. We could drop you off in the middle of the woods/forest for a week and you would be totally unbothered. You can be either short tempered or withdrawn. You snap at people sometimes. No one is exempt. You like to watch UFC. You would skydive or BASE jump for fun. You might own a Harley Davidson cruiser or a chopper. You train non-stop to assure you pass your fitness tests. You are handy with the heat. Like the attorney, you prefer women who are like you. You tend to prefer athletic or sporty women who can take on physical activities with you. She trains with you in the gym. She spars with you in the gym. She needs to be able to run at least an 8-minute mile and have the lungs to bike up-hill. Around these guys a woman can feel extremely safe. We can rest in our feminine energy. King Kong’s got nothing on you.

Spiritual Gangster

*Note: My commentary does not apply to Jamaican men who practice Rastafarianism. Locks have a religious meaning and purpose for Rastafarians which I would not comment on. It also does not apply to Floridians.

First Impression: Woke. Social justice warrior. This guy knows his asanas. Very spiritual. This guy can go two ways. Either he lives the purpose driven life whole-heartedly: He is healthy, eats at Whole Foods, is organic, grassroots and has political aspirations, or he can be the F-boy undercover who uses his tresses for the aesthetic to attract women. If the former, you may be found at the local juice bar. You may have your own garden. You are vegetarian or vegan. You are very conscious. You smell like essential oils and shea. You watch and create a lot of social media commentary related to social issues and seek to make positive change. However, if the latter of the types described, why? Guys like this are limited (on the East Coast — except Florida), so supply is low, and demand is high. They can have a harem of spiritual groupies who are intrigued by their “uncommon” disposition and bravery to not fit the mold. Just because he is outside the box and has a moral compass does not mean he is not tempted by the flesh. Some men know this and use this to their advantage. If black, you may be afro-centric and most likely prefer a black woman with “natural” hair (no perm or weaves) or ironically, you prefer to date only non-black women. If white with this hairstyle, you most likely work for a non-profit, NGO or Peace Corps. You could be a tattoo artist, promoter, or creative, a podcaster or writer. Or you do not work. You may come from a wealthy, conservative family. You know that there is inheritance waiting for you, so you have no drive to hustle hard. You watched your father work in suits and ties daily and you aspire to go counterculture by trailing your own path. The organic path.

Techie

First Impression: He works in tech. He will tell me to shut the computer down, and restart, then let him know if that fixes the problem as he silently thinks, (genius) and rolls his eyes. Or he is like the Wizard of Oz of software and systems. I respect him. He is helping to build and maintain the information infrastructure that keeps the modern world moving. I am super paranoid that he can figure out my passwords through telepathy and unlock all of my devices. Also, paranoid that he can find my deleted photos, old social media accounts and search history. I am paranoid that nothing will be (digitally) private from him. Knowing me, that is just my paranoia. He has better things to do.