I have observed a fascinating phenomenon unfolding among the twenty- and thirty-somethings in the heterosexual crowd. Specifically, I have noticed a lot of single men who desperately wish to be in a relationship — often voicing desires for something as serious as marriage — yet they can’t seem to find anyone despite an abundance of single women. In speaking to these men I was surprised to find three recurring themes contributing in a major way to their chronic singleness.

1. You’re not even in the game

Problem: For some, the problem is that they are simply not even in the game. You are part of the benchwarmer crowd if you have not gone on a date in the past six months, barring any trauma from a past relationship that has led to a prolonged healing time.

Solution: Get a piece of paper. Seriously. And answer this question: What is keeping me from entering the dating world? Then, once you’ve written out your answer, ask yourself why. Repeat the “why” five more times to get to the root cause. There are a lot of layers we build up around our ideas of love and the opposite sex, so you’ve gotta do the work to get to the root cause of the problem.

Once you have your answer, fold that piece of paper nicely and go take it to the therapist where you can work together to undo root beliefs that are keeping you on the sidelines. Or if you feel like you have achieved adequate clarity, get yourself on a dating platform, go to social events, and start asking women out.

I understand the qualms that some have against dating apps and sites but some of you are condemning all by the actions of one. Okay, so maybe Bumble in your area is not the best place for relationships…but clearly, people are still meeting others and forming relationships, figure out what they’re doing and copy it. Alternatively, bypass the ease of technology and step outside your home and go do anything at all, chances are that there will be women there and you can nicely ask them to a casual date.

Your goal at first shouldn’t be to find the “perfect” woman, you need to practice dating. A casual date such as a coffee date is perfect to let you practice your dating skills. As Iliza Schlesinger surmised in her Netflix special Elder Millennial, “every guy knows, it’s about the at-bat, it’s about how many times you can hit on a girl… ’cause you know eventually, one’s gonna say yes.”

I hate that I have to write this but be advised that women don’t owe you anything, including “just one” date. If you swing and miss, move on, it’s useless to stand there and keep swinging after the ball has already hit the ground. It’s embarrassing for you and uncomfortable for her. Move on else word gets around that you make women uncomfortable and you kill your chances in a 20-mile radius. 

2. You’re too entitled

Problem: Some of you have unrealistic expectations for women and relationships. You want a woman who is hot, educated, independently wealthy, has no kids, healthy (but not a vegan), knows how to keep a home, etc. These women, are typically not going to be interested in you if you don’t also have all those things going for you.

Solution: I hate to break it to you but 73% of women want a man who’s over 5'9" tall…that’s only about 20% of the male population. Often men complain and blame women for their singleness when they hear this statistic. However, I want you to understand what’s really going on here. I’m sure you know plenty of men under six feet in height who are in relationships or even married. This means that the overwhelming majority of women are having to lower their expectations. It’s time you do the same…especially if you fall short of the 20% of tall men.

By choosing to be a wife and mother, women lose out on career growth, personal income, and free time. There’s a growing understanding of the cost of being a wife and mother amongst women and many are having to re-calculate their plans as to reduce impact. Because of this, they reserve the right to be more selective of their partners because they have more to lose.

3. You don’t like women

Problem: You don’t actually like women. Some of you might actually hate women. Don’t get confused, I’m not talking about sexual attraction — I’m not saying you’re not heterosexual. I’m saying, you don’t like women as people. You appreciate women for their brains because of how others will perceive you for having a woman with brains and not that you want to engage with said brains.

You are part of this group if you favor interactions with women based on their availability.

You are also part of this category if you hold on to generalized opinions of women and give exceptions instead of a nuanced view that women are people and people are inherently different from each other.

There is a strong chance that you are part of this category if you manage to score dates and even start dating only to be the one broken up with. Humans can tell when others don’t particularly like them and will try to avoid spending time with individuals who emit these signals.

Solution: This one is tough. This requires a lot of introspection and the best option is therapy and/or counseling.

The first step is to cut out any type of input into your life that perpetuates this kind of mentality and the subsequent behaviors. Stop listening to men who blame women for their singleness and find men who are in happy relationships instead. We become most like the five people we spend the most time with (this includes the thoughts we internalize from online sources). If you want to be in a happy relationship, surround yourself with people who are in happy relationships.

You might have had serious trauma in your life that was the result of a woman, whether from a mother or a past relationship. You were hurt and in order to keep you from being hurt again, your brain broad-brushes an entire group of people. This isn’t healthy and it will trickle down into your future relationships whether they’re romantic, platonic, or even paternal.

Alternatively, you were raised in an environment where women were seen as objects or servers instead of unique individuals. Perhaps your porn habit has desensitized you to the humanity of women. Perhaps your father was verbally (and maybe even physically) demanding and demeaning to your mother and you were never modeled healthy boundaries and a loving relationship. This is where you put your foot down and say to yourself “the trauma stops with me; I will no longer suffer consequences for someone else’s poor choices.” 

Conclusion

I have lived in quite a few regions of the United States and have been surprised to see the aforementioned blind spots pop up all around the country and among a variety of different types men. My hope is that this has brought you some clarity and at least given you some ideas to mull over. I am curious as to what other blind spots you have noticed that are keeping men single. I would love to hear about different age groups and different cultural norms.